Category Archives: Marriage Guidance

Be On TV and Alone With The In-Laws

Alone With The In-laws

Do you think you have found the one? Are you engaged or about to move in with your new partner? Interested in what makes the perfect relationship or marriage?

Studio Lambert are making a new series for the UK BBC, ‘Alone with the In-Laws,’ and are looking for couples to cast.

Whether you’ve been childhood sweethearts or had a whirlwind romance, if you’re about to make a big commitment together they would like to hear from you.

Get in touch by sending contact details for you both (with your partner’s permission).

  • Mobile numbers
  • Email address
  • Age (applicants must be 18 years of age or older)
  • Where in the UK you live.
  • Whether you are engaged, and if so, when you are planning to get married.
  • Tell them a little bit about yourselves, how you met, jobs, hobbies etc. Along with why you would like to take part in the programme.
  • Plus a photo of you both

Email: couples @ studiolambert.com

Postal address:
Alone with the In-Laws
Studio Lambert
1 Denmark Street
London
WC2H 8LP
Tel: 020 3040 6838

CLOSING DATE:
Friday 1st September 2017

GOOD LUCK 🙂

**

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Relationships & Children – Time Apart, Healing Betrayal

Relationships & Children – Time Apart, Healing Betrayal

Family Separation

Tiger Woods opened up about his relationship with ex-wife Elin Nordegren this week. The couple ended their marriage in 2010 after Tiger’s cheating scandal, but now they have managed to build an amicable friendship. With time Elin seems to have gotten past the betrayal of her ex-husband’s infidelity, which is a challenge for many couples, in order to do so. Tiger and Elin share two children, so this must be a welcome development for all of them…

While some couples are able to find higher ground and continue to make their relationship or marriage work after an affair, others realize that the intensity of the pain of the incident is just too much and that they are better apart.

Either way, initially there can be so much anger that it takes effort to not drag the children into it. This can be especially difficult if the spouses have parted and find themselves alone! The one who was betrayed feels that their whole world has turned upside down, and wants to get back at the person who did this to them and caused so much unhappiness. It is tempting to say terrible things about them to the people who are closest to you..your kids. The natural inclination is to want to get them on your side and have them take up arms against the person who caused this upheaval. The impulse to have the children understand what you are going through and why can be powerful.

How, then, can you avoid this urge, and instead let them know they still have two solid parents they can continue to depend on? How can you protect them from your own fury, and the negative energy that is coming from both sides, while navigating your way to a place of, if not forgiveness, at least of tolerance and understanding? How can you lead them to a solid foundation of security so that even if there is trouble between parents, they know they can count on the fact that both mum and dad will continue to be stable forces in their lives?

To begin with, understand that they are not the ones who should be supporting you through this. They need your support, so the goal is to try not to burden them with your rage. Of course, that is easier said than done. The first step is to find an outlet elsewhere because you will need to talk about it, and choosing people other than your kids to unload on is a great start. You can find solace and confide in anyone from a therapist or counselor to friends and other family members. Work to insulate your children so they don’t have to go through the raw emotion that you are going through. Steer clear of sharing the bad things your spouse did to you with the kids as much as you can. Finally, give yourself time which will hopefully lessen the sharpness of the betrayal, and eventually allow you to share at least a cordial relationship.

The hope is to find a way to provide a harmonious family environment despite the rift in your relationship. Where both parents can come back together and share an affable connection…

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Ex-Files & Old Flames – Why Isn’t It Easy To Say Goodbye?

Ex-Files & Old Flames – Why Isn’t It Easy To Say Goodbye?

Saying Goodbye

The most compelling reason people continue to hold on to an old relationship is the fact that they have a shared history. The person who might be an ex-partner has a sense not only of who you are, but who you were with them and during your time together. To then say goodbye to them can also feel like saying goodbye to who you were during your relationship!

Things that can keep you hopeful, even if you aren’t happy right now, is the possibility that something will change and the good times you once shared and the positive aspects of the relationship will resume.

Another thing that can keep the glue between you from completely giving way is if one of you wants to hold on more than the other. When this happens the one who isn’t ready to finally end it might persist with calls, emails and texts, which can increase the doubts the other might feel as well as any guilt feelings he or she might have about ending the relationship in the first place.

The partner who wants to continue to be together might also make assertions that they will change whatever behavior may have led to the unhappiness between you. They might even start to do it, which can make the other person stick around with the hope that the negative behaviors will disappear completely. As a result a couple can often seesaw because even small changes can increase optimism and give someone the stamina they need to be willing to try to give it another shot.

In the case of a betrayal, when the initial and intense anger diminishes, there can be a willingness to give the person a chance to rebuild your trust. Also, when there are children involved there is often a desire to keep the family together for their sake. That can be one of the strongest driving forces of all. Whatever the case, certainly if a lot of loving feelings remain it is hard to imagine life without them in it.

The question becomes, how do you know if you are wasting your time, holding on with the hope that the happiness will be rekindled or the bad behaviors will change when there is the chance that neither of those things is likely? How can you know how much time to give it before reaching the decision to finally call it quits? Are there any strategies to employ for ending a relationship?

If you are moving forward with the intent to give your relationship a try and see if things can work out, it’s good to be clear about what specific changes you are looking for and how long you are willing to wait to see if they actually take place. For example, if you are looking to see if you can trust your partner again, the only real way to do that is to give them enough time to show through their actions that what they say and do is worthy of your trust. However if months go by and you continue to be disappointed because the promised changes aren’t happening, or they have happened once but were never followed up on, that can be a good indicator that things aren’t really going to be different from what had been upsetting you all along, and if you want to be happier it is time to let go.

If married or in a long term relationship you or your partner could look for counseling, which can help you either get your relationship back on track or help you reach the difficult decision that it really is time to say goodbye to each other!

 

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Improving Relationships Through Intimacy

Improving Relationships Through Intimacy

Facing Therapy

Single? Or perhaps you’re in a relationship? Perhaps it’s fairly new, or maybe you’ve made it work and have graduated to long term status? Congratulations! Either way, if you’re being totally honest with yourself, is there something missing? Maybe everything is fine and you just want to make it a little better?

In terms of your relationship, what’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word intimacy? All too often, in all its varied names, sex, making love, banging, this tends to be the answer that shoots out of the barrel of our mouths and leaves bullet holes in a word that holds so much more potential.

We live in a world of polarity where there’s two sides to every coin, so let’s cash in and take a closer look at the word intimacy.

There is a very intimate part of us all that is full of a joyful innocence, it’s the inner child. That pure, sweet, beautiful part of us that is at the innermost core of us all. No matter how big and tough life’s made you, how grown up you believe you are, that’s the real you!

We’re all just a bunch of kids living in grown up bodies trying to find love and make the best sense of the world from what our years have taught us. Sometimes it’s the wrong life lessons that stick! We can build trust issues, hide parts of ourselves that were previously rejected. But the truth is if you want more intimacy with someone, you have to be willing to be more vulnerable, more trusting, more playful, more innocent in your interactions.

The word Intimacy comes from Latin roots, which boils down to a core meaning of familiarity. If you are missing something in your relationship, could it be that you are not familiar with your partners innermost self? Or perhaps even your own innermost self has gotten a bit lost along the journey of life? Buried under all this yucky adult stuff like responsibility, bills, bad habits, for the sake of convenience, unfulfilling jobs and all the other crap that goes with it.

We can get bogged down with routines and all too often end up taking each other for granted. We get complacent and then wonder what happened to ‘the spark’ between us.

Well those who play together, stay together. Any two people can have sex together, lets be real here, that kind of intimacy can be found with a few clicks and swipes of an app these days. But when you learn to love and play together from a state of innocence, that’s the most magical intimacy you and your partner can create. It will work wonders for the long term health of your relationship and for you both as individuals within that bubble.

Even if you’re currently single try to connect more with this part of yourself to bring beautiful changes to your life.

Gülie works as an energy psychotherapist, helping people overcome their intimacy issues using emotional freedom techniques, incorporating massage therapy.

Article by Gülie Ismail
GĂĽlie Ismail

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Mending A Relationship Split

Mending A Relationship Split

Marriage Split

Sometimes it can be very helpful when two people take some time apart to evaluate how they feel about each other, and to sort out what is really important to both of them. In the face of baby number three on board, it looks like Megan and Brian have decided to join forces to work on their marriage and see if it can, in fact, work on take two. Similarly, Patrick Dempsey and his wife recently put the brakes on a divorce. You don’t have to be married to give love a second chance. Courtney Cox and her boyfriend are back together after calling off their engagement late last year.

There are many things that can drive a couple toward a breakup. Underscoring most separations are feelings of disappointment, anger, and the idea that there was something you couldn’t get beyond, some impassable issue, an irreconcilable difference for which there is no clear middle ground or answer. The anger itself can make it impossible to get along, either leading to too much fighting or a cold war distance between you, both of which can bring your sex life to a complete stop. For some people, the decision to end the relationship seems like the only path out of the hopelessness and unhappiness one or each partner is experiencing. Breaking up can appear to be a way out of the stress and on the road to a better place.

That said, love is a funny thing. Just because you aren’t getting along doesn’t necessarily mean you have stopped loving or feeling attracted to your partner. In addition to that, some space might infuse those feelings with new life while giving you a fresh perspective on what you can and can’t tolerate in your life. In other words, even though an end to your connection might seem freeing at first, it might ultimately prove to be complicated, difficult, and lonely.

Suddenly those weekend trips to see his mother don’t seem like that much of a sacrifice, or the fact that she chooses to go to the gym most nights instead of eating dinner with you might not leave you feeling so abandoned as long as she comes home after. Time apart allows you to evaluate what is important, and can give you the chance to decide if what once felt untenable and unacceptable might suddenly become manageable in the face of what you really have to lose. Taking a break can give you a chance to get a new outlook, while letting the anger subside. You can cool down and bring some objectivity back into your relationship.

If your relationship feels like it is at a standstill and is steeped in feelings of resentment and disappointment, instead of making the decision to end it for good, consider ending it for now. Give yourselves some time apart so you can see that you actually might want to stay together..

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

Beyonce

During the premiere of her new visual album Lemonade this past weekend, Beyoncé shared very personal moments between her and her husband, Jay Z. The couple have had their share of marital rough patches. The challenge of a successful marriage is making it work with all of the elements of difficulty that arise, whether that be finances, children, in-laws, infidelity, or whatever else might bring a bump in the road to a relationship. Beyonce is addressing this important aspect of how much work goes into a marriage in this new album, and she is carrying on with the effort to make her bond with Jay Z better and stronger than ever.

Beyonce and Jay Z share a celebrated personal and professional life, but you don’t have to build an empire with your partner to make it worthwhile to preserve what you have together. Even so, this idea of having to work and put effort into a marriage or relationship is often frowned upon, and gets a bad reputation because it takes on this connotation of being a burden, a chore, or a responsibility. It’s as though people think if it isn’t easy, then it’s better to just call it quits and get out. When Ben Affleck so famously said that marriage takes work, it was like he said something awful, not something positive.

This reminds me of a couple that came to see me a few years back. Things were difficult between them, and the husband didn’t really want to be there. He asked, “Why should I have to work at it? If it’s so much work then we must be in a really bad state, so why not just end it?” I said, “Okay, you can make that choice, but keep in mind then you are going to have to put the work into dismantling your marriage.” I went on to highlight all the effort that would take – dealing with the divorce, splitting up their assets, finding a new place to live, starting to date again. Then, if he was lucky enough to find someone he liked and wanted to spend time with, he would have to hope that he got it exactly right that time so he wouldn’t find himself having to work on that relationship one day. He looked at me and said, “Okay, let’s work on the marriage.” He could finally see that there was no guaranteed easy route, and as I pointed out, nobody gets a pass, so it was worth it to him to try to take his marriage to a higher ground.

So how do you begin to work on your marriage or relationship? The most important word I can offer you is communication. So often there are misunderstandings and one person can become defensive or take something personally which is not meant to be that way at all. Without talking about it, on both ends, people can begin to feel disappointed and alone. I have one patient who was dating a woman he really liked. Their first few dates were great, but on the fourth date he avoided kissing her goodnight and anything else that would go along with that. She was clearly upset, and withdrew and didn’t take his calls for several days. He was clueless about why this was happening, and didn’t understand what had prompted her cold shoulder. He started to think he had been wrong about her, who needed to date a woman who changed her mind so suddenly? So I encouraged him to talk to her, rather than just respond to what seemed like a negative situation. I told him that since he saw this as a promising relationship, he might as well ask her what was going on. When he did she told him the truth, that she felt bad and unattractive when he didn’t kiss her the other night. It all then became clear to him, the truth was he had eaten a whole clove of raw garlic at dinner, he didn’t realize it until it was too late, and he was self-conscious about his breath. She had no idea about the garlic, so she thought he was rejecting her. Once he told her why he hadn’t kissed her, she completely understood and even laughed about it. What they went through is a prime example of a couple doing the work. Without their being open with each other, their relationship could have skidded off the track. Instead, I am happy to report they are very much in love and planning to move in together.

It is so basic really, but so important. The crux of any relationship is being able to speak to your needs and real feelings in a way that doesn’t carry blame. The hope is that you will each understand what the other person is experiencing. Once you are able to do that, you can put your heads together to find common ground and compromise, eventually realizing that the whole of your connection rises above each of your individual needs. Working on it means being willing to challenge yourself, to push yourself past your comfort zone, to be willing to be open. Sometimes trying something new and different, which is not always easy. It means not reacting to the other person, but checking things out with them first. It means being willing to struggle with uncertainty and tolerate the frustration that goes along with waiting for changes to happen, and not knowing if they will. It is about balancing your hope for the future against your disappointments of the past, so you can continue to persevere together.

In the end it is that world and life you have built together that will fuel the effort it takes to do the work that makes it work. The art of problem-solving with your partner takes creativity and brainstorming, and makes you closer because you each feel cared about and supported, which is worth its weight in gold. It can be as valuable as anything else Beyonce and Jay Z create together.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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