Tag Archives: Dr Jane Greer

Mending A Relationship Split

Mending A Relationship Split

Marriage Split

Sometimes it can be very helpful when two people take some time apart to evaluate how they feel about each other, and to sort out what is really important to both of them. In the face of baby number three on board, it looks like Megan and Brian have decided to join forces to work on their marriage and see if it can, in fact, work on take two. Similarly, Patrick Dempsey and his wife recently put the brakes on a divorce. You don’t have to be married to give love a second chance. Courtney Cox and her boyfriend are back together after calling off their engagement late last year.

There are many things that can drive a couple toward a breakup. Underscoring most separations are feelings of disappointment, anger, and the idea that there was something you couldn’t get beyond, some impassable issue, an irreconcilable difference for which there is no clear middle ground or answer. The anger itself can make it impossible to get along, either leading to too much fighting or a cold war distance between you, both of which can bring your sex life to a complete stop. For some people, the decision to end the relationship seems like the only path out of the hopelessness and unhappiness one or each partner is experiencing. Breaking up can appear to be a way out of the stress and on the road to a better place.

That said, love is a funny thing. Just because you aren’t getting along doesn’t necessarily mean you have stopped loving or feeling attracted to your partner. In addition to that, some space might infuse those feelings with new life while giving you a fresh perspective on what you can and can’t tolerate in your life. In other words, even though an end to your connection might seem freeing at first, it might ultimately prove to be complicated, difficult, and lonely.

Suddenly those weekend trips to see his mother don’t seem like that much of a sacrifice, or the fact that she chooses to go to the gym most nights instead of eating dinner with you might not leave you feeling so abandoned as long as she comes home after. Time apart allows you to evaluate what is important, and can give you the chance to decide if what once felt untenable and unacceptable might suddenly become manageable in the face of what you really have to lose. Taking a break can give you a chance to get a new outlook, while letting the anger subside. You can cool down and bring some objectivity back into your relationship.

If your relationship feels like it is at a standstill and is steeped in feelings of resentment and disappointment, instead of making the decision to end it for good, consider ending it for now. Give yourselves some time apart so you can see that you actually might want to stay together..

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
More Info & Articles

Online & Mobile Dating with SinglesRally.com – FREE To JOIN & BROWSE Profiles
JOIN HERE >>

Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

During the premiere of her new visual album Lemonade this past weekend, Beyoncé shared very personal moments between her and her husband, Jay Z. The couple have had their share of marital rough patches. The challenge of a successful marriage is making it work with all of the elements of difficulty that arise, whether that be finances, children, in-laws, infidelity, or whatever else might bring a bump in the road to a relationship. Beyonce is addressing this important aspect of how much work goes into a marriage in this new album, and she is carrying on with the effort to make her bond with Jay Z better and stronger than ever.

Beyonce and Jay Z share a celebrated personal and professional life, but you don’t have to build an empire with your partner to make it worthwhile to preserve what you have together. Even so, this idea of having to work and put effort into a marriage or relationship is often frowned upon, and gets a bad reputation because it takes on this connotation of being a burden, a chore, or a responsibility. It’s as though people think if it isn’t easy, then it’s better to just call it quits and get out. When Ben Affleck so famously said that marriage takes work, it was like he said something awful, not something positive.

This reminds me of a couple that came to see me a few years back. Things were difficult between them, and the husband didn’t really want to be there. He asked, “Why should I have to work at it? If it’s so much work then we must be in a really bad state, so why not just end it?” I said, “Okay, you can make that choice, but keep in mind then you are going to have to put the work into dismantling your marriage.” I went on to highlight all the effort that would take – dealing with the divorce, splitting up their assets, finding a new place to live, starting to date again. Then, if he was lucky enough to find someone he liked and wanted to spend time with, he would have to hope that he got it exactly right that time so he wouldn’t find himself having to work on that relationship one day. He looked at me and said, “Okay, let’s work on the marriage.” He could finally see that there was no guaranteed easy route, and as I pointed out, nobody gets a pass, so it was worth it to him to try to take his marriage to a higher ground.

So how do you begin to work on your marriage or relationship? The most important word I can offer you is communication. So often there are misunderstandings and one person can become defensive or take something personally which is not meant to be that way at all. Without talking about it, on both ends, people can begin to feel disappointed and alone. I have one patient who was dating a woman he really liked. Their first few dates were great, but on the fourth date he avoided kissing her goodnight and anything else that would go along with that. She was clearly upset, and withdrew and didn’t take his calls for several days. He was clueless about why this was happening, and didn’t understand what had prompted her cold shoulder. He started to think he had been wrong about her, who needed to date a woman who changed her mind so suddenly? So I encouraged him to talk to her, rather than just respond to what seemed like a negative situation. I told him that since he saw this as a promising relationship, he might as well ask her what was going on. When he did she told him the truth, that she felt bad and unattractive when he didn’t kiss her the other night. It all then became clear to him, the truth was he had eaten a whole clove of raw garlic at dinner, he didn’t realize it until it was too late, and he was self-conscious about his breath. She had no idea about the garlic, so she thought he was rejecting her. Once he told her why he hadn’t kissed her, she completely understood and even laughed about it. What they went through is a prime example of a couple doing the work. Without their being open with each other, their relationship could have skidded off the track. Instead, I am happy to report they are very much in love and planning to move in together.

It is so basic really, but so important. The crux of any relationship is being able to speak to your needs and real feelings in a way that doesn’t carry blame. The hope is that you will each understand what the other person is experiencing. Once you are able to do that, you can put your heads together to find common ground and compromise, eventually realizing that the whole of your connection rises above each of your individual needs. Working on it means being willing to challenge yourself, to push yourself past your comfort zone, to be willing to be open. Sometimes trying something new and different, which is not always easy. It means not reacting to the other person, but checking things out with them first. It means being willing to struggle with uncertainty and tolerate the frustration that goes along with waiting for changes to happen, and not knowing if they will. It is about balancing your hope for the future against your disappointments of the past, so you can continue to persevere together.

In the end it is that world and life you have built together that will fuel the effort it takes to do the work that makes it work. The art of problem-solving with your partner takes creativity and brainstorming, and makes you closer because you each feel cared about and supported, which is worth its weight in gold. It can be as valuable as anything else Beyonce and Jay Z create together.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
More Info & Articles

Online & Mobile Dating with SinglesRally.com – FREE To JOIN & BROWSE Profiles
JOIN HERE >>

Why Are Unavailable Partners So Attractive?

Warning: Invalid XML structure returned from Amazon. in /home/dag/public_html/blog/wp-content/plugins/amazon-product-in-a-post-plugin/inc/amazon-product-in-a-post-aws-signed-request.php on line 946

Warning: Invalid XML structure returned from Amazon. in /home/dag/public_html/blog/wp-content/plugins/amazon-product-in-a-post-plugin/inc/amazon-product-in-a-post-aws-signed-request.php on line 946

Why Are Unavailable Partners So Attractive?

Woman Alone

Whether you are in high school dealing with a boyfriend who you feel loves you too much, or you’re a movie star with people constantly asking you out, or you are recently divorced and getting more calls than you ever did but none of them seem right, you might be in that place so many people find themselves in where the men who are interested, strike you as availably unappealing but the ones who won’t commit are “attractively unavailable.”

Sometimes the guy who wants to commit to you and doesn’t hide his feelings is equated with the good guy, the nice guy, as opposed to the one who says he will call but doesn’t and who instead is seen as the romantic bad boy. For some reason, the fact that the guy likes you so much makes you question his confidence and desirability. You might ask, why is he available in the first place? If he were more secure and attractive, wouldn’t he be taken by now?

There are also the possible elements of a challenge or a competition. If someone pulls away and becomes seemingly less interested, then you might feel the need to try to get them back. It can become more about having their love than actually sharing the love with them. Or if that someone begins to give another woman attention, you might feel jealous and try to take that focus away from the new love interest and return it to you.

So why do so many woman choose the undependable, withholding man over the one who is ready to profess his love to them? In terms of family dynamics, there is the question of what you did and didn’t get growing up from family members, especially mothers and fathers. On the one hand, it may be that you are constantly trying to get what is out of reach, on the other, you might be more comfortable with less commitment and emotion in a relationship!

That constant chase can also become a vehicle for your self-esteem and believing you are better and greater if you are able to attain the unattainable. In other words, if you can convince a man who is not eager or willing to commit to do so, then you must be extra special, and this can set you on a journey that does not have a happy ending…

If this sounds familiar, and you are constantly chasing your man, or not sure when he might call or ask you out again, it could be time to look at it from a different vantage point and turn it inside out. Why spend your efforts trying to get someone’s affection that at best will be inconsistent and leave you wanting more, when you can instead choose someone who will be dependably loving and offer you a true sense of fulfillment?

The goal is to feel valued, cared about, and loved for who you are and what you do, the qualities you already possess rather than having to prove your worth to a guy who is not looking to ever really be fully involved with you. Overhaul how you are going about seeking happiness and security. If you are lucky enough to be with a good guy who does nice things, accept it and believe that you are worth it. Look to reciprocate and build on a relationship with someone who is able to give you the closeness and companionship you are looking for. Try to stop seeing that as boring, and instead see it as rewarding and positive. In many ways it is like developing a new muscle. Do your best to stop flinching and being turned off by nice behavior, and begin to welcome and appreciate it so that you can feel good about yourself, rather than not.

It’s important to be aware of these things, if in fact, there is a pattern in play and you are continually choosing partners who can’t be there for you, so you can make better choices in the future. Ultimately you want to strive to try to feel like a winner because of the things you can have, not for halfheartedly getting the things you can’t.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
More Info & Articles

LIKE & SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Online & Mobile Dating with SinglesRally.com – FREE To JOIN & BROWSE Profiles
JOIN HERE >>

What Makes a Marriage a Strong One

What Makes a Marriage a Strong One?

Holding Hands

Many things go into keeping two people together for the long haul, but there are four core ingredients that stand out as important in keeping that union humming. The first is appreciation, I can’t stress its power enough. Being grateful and recognizing the things your partner does for you and the TLC they give you can go a long way. Without realizing it, you can get used to all that, as it becomes part of your average day you might stop noticing it and even take it for granted. You want to start taking the opportunity to show your spouse that the things they do for you mean a lot. It’s a real chance to build and strengthen those fibers that go into constructing the fabric of your connection. Oftentimes I hear one partner express how angry they are about the things the other doesn’t do. However, when I help them change their expectations, to see who their partner really is instead of who they want them to be, it allows them to stop seeing their spouse coming up short and instead to see them as tall, looking up to them for the support they do show. this enables them to feel lucky that their partner is there for them by focusing on what they do rather than what they don’t do, It makes all the difference.

Another important ingredient is consideration. It isn’t that you always have to agree with your partner, or do just what they say, but to let them know that they are important to you and are being considered when you’re deciding to do something. If you’re planning to go out with your friends on Friday night, check in and make sure it works for your spouse instead of just telling them. That way they will feel considered and probably tell you to have a good time. If you simply announce what you are doing they are likely to feel abandoned and might become angry. The goal is to avoid resentment building because it then turns into bricks that will make you feel divided, keeping you apart rather than feeling you are on the same team. By considering each others needs and knowing you are each part of the equation when it comes to making plans and choices, you at least leave room for both of you to voice your preferences before making the final decision.

The third key factor in a successful marriage is being able to acknowledge the other person. I can’t tell you how often I hear one person complain that when they talk to their partner at home the other person doesn’t answer them, doesn’t look up from their computer, doesn’t look at them directly, so basically they feel ignored. Consequently the first person winds up either repeating themselves because they haven’t felt heard, or asking in an annoyed tone, “did you hear me?” It’s really important to pay attention and convey to your partner that you are listening when they talk to you. A simply okay, fine, I get it, I hear you, that works, any verbal acknowledgement as well as looking at them goes a long way. Even if you disagree with what they are saying you can reply, “well, I don’t necessarily agree, but I do hear what you’re saying, and we can talk about it another time.” This will prevent one person from feeling ignored and neglected, and the other from feeling nagged and badgered by their partner saying the same thing over and over.

Finally, laughter. It seems so obvious and simple but it has such tremendous healing power. It takes effort to keep up with all the communication, appreciation and everything else in your daily lives, all that work needs an antidote, which is laughing together because it creates instant intimacy. Developing a Morse code with a shared joke or funny expression is a default button that can diffuse the heat of any argument and give you a chance to let it go and clear the resentment rather than letting it turn into a big deal. When you’re married you learn you have to pick and choose your battles, otherwise there are so many things to go to the mat over and you need a tool that says this is not that important, let’s laugh it off. You can then revisit the more important issues later to address them in a serious manner.

If you are able to keep these four very potent techniques in mind and you begin to use them regularly, you’re likely to find that you and your partner start to feel happier with each other.

The key to a positive marriage is to feel that your spouse has your back and is looking out for you, that they know that you always have theirs as well.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
More Info & Articles

LIKE & SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Online & Mobile Dating with SinglesRally.com – FREE To JOIN & BROWSE Profiles
JOIN HERE >>

Love The Second Time Around

Love The Second Time Around

Love Second Time Around

How do you know when an old love has the potential to come back to life, and when is it best to leave an old relationship where it is?

When you see old lovers get back together, it might make you think about reaching out to an old but extinguished flame. There are times when that might require a deliberate act, actually calling or contacting someone from your past, or it can happen in a more spontaneous way, such as when you run into someone you once dated at a wedding or a reunion. Either way, it is good to take stock before jumping in with both feet.

The most important barometer for gaging what to do is to consider how and why your connection ended in the first place. It is ironic that in wondering if you should begin again, it helps to go back to where it ended, but that is where you might find the best answers. If the circumstances that broke you up didn’t have anything to do with the attraction and passion you felt for each other, and might still feel, it is possible that giving it another go could be a fine idea. It is also possible that even if there were problems, you have both grown and changed, and with the wisdom and distance you now have might be better able to deal with and manage them. The same issues that were front and center when you were first together might not bother you anymore, or might be more easily worked out.

On the other hand, if your relationship ended badly and there is still a lot of unresolved anger, there is the chance you will find yourself returning to that unhappy place. Also, if there were behaviors, habits, or personal traits the other person had that were intolerable for you, and that person still exhibits them and has not changed his or her ways, it may be better to leave the relationship in the past with the fond memories of what you once shared.

Once you have sorted that out, it may be that you feel your ex is really your lost love. In this new time and place, where both of you have mellowed, it may be viable and pleasurable to give it another chance.

Madonna said it in her song Stay:
When you walked out my door, I knew you’d be back for more, Let’s leave the past behind, True love is so hard to find.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
More Info & Articles

Online & Mobile Dating with SinglesRally.com – FREE To JOIN & BROWSE Profiles
JOIN HERE >>

Relationships and Publicly Expressing Anger with Dr Jane Greer

Relationships and Publicly Expressing Anger with Dr Jane Greer

Very often when we are mad at someone who has hurt our feelings our inclination is to get back at them by letting others know what they did to make us feel mistreated and wronged.

In fact, that dynamic is the hook of recent reality television programs. Doing that, though, and being vocal about the bad energy between you may unwittingly put the people around you in an uncomfortable position by making them feel like they have to choose sides.

Sometimes people get so caught up in the anger of the moment that it can spillover beyond their private world.

We saw this recently in the celebrity world with singers Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus at the 2015 VMAs, hosted by Miley. During the live broadcast on Sunday, Nicki called Miley a ‘bitch’ for talking about her in the press. According to an insider, “Nicki was livid with Miley and decided to air her feelings onstage.”

It was reported that MTV staffers had to keep Nicki and Miley away from each other for the night to avoid a confrontation. It is hard to know if their fighting was staged or authentic. Either way, it raises the question of whether shouting about your feelings in public when you’re upset is the best way to get your message across.

In Nicki’s case there might have been a strong desire to reach her fan base and share her rage toward Miley. Maybe she thought it was the only way to save face. But it really isn’t that different from fighting with a partner in front of family and friends at a holiday meal.

So when you’re irked at someone, what’s the best way to let them know..talk to them in private about it, or let the whole world know?

Before you let that happen, ask yourself if this is a relationship worth saving. If you decide it is, then the best thing to do is to go right to the source and address the cause of your distress directly with the person who upset you in the first place. Tell them what they said and did to set you off, and give them a chance to apologize and explain. It will also give the person the chance to clear up any miscommunication or misunderstanding that may have occurred between you.

Fighting out in the open just serves to fan the flames of the fury, but a straight conversation might clear the air and even help to salvage your relationship…

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
More Info & Articles

Online & Mobile Dating with SinglesRally.com – FREE To JOIN & BROWSE Profiles
JOIN HERE >>

Fitness Couples Working It Out Together

Fitness Couples Working It Out Together

They’ve been working out together since the beginning, some of their very first dates included outdoor runs, hikes and bike rides.

Mike and Lex Sawtelle have always preferred exploring the outdoors. They’d choose it over dinner and a movie any night. The couple, who started dating over four years ago, have built their marriage mostly on the supportive ideals they entered the relationship with: pushing each other to reach their fitness goal…

Read more of this article by Brooke Sassman with advice from Dr Jane Greer on Today HERE >>