Category Archives: Marriage

Planning A Wedding – Different Experience Expectations

Planning A Wedding – Different Experience Expectations 

Wedding Planning

Something when two people decide to spend their lives together, one might have gone through it all before, the big wedding and honeymoon, and the other might be experiencing it for the first time.

Sometimes this can affect what each is hoping for as far as their big day goes. For the one who hasn’t experienced it before, this might be something they have been dreaming about since they were a little kid. They might have family members who have looked forward to it for years, and may even have strong ideas about how it should play out. For them, the whole idea of a traditional wedding dress and all the fanfare might sound great. The other person though, might feel they have been there and done that, they might no longer see the appeal of all the details and possible headaches that can go along with planning such a large, involved event. They might even think it would be nice to sneak away to City Hall or Las Vegas and elope. If you find yourself in this situation, how can you reconcile it?

The first thing to keep in mind is the end goal, which is to commit to each other for life! There are so many paths to take to get there, as long as you find one you will be achieving that all important objective. Having said that though, people still want what they want. Make sure you are able to talk about what you each desire and hope for, and really listen to why each person is requesting what they do. Try to compromise, maybe the person who doesn’t want a huge wedding or honeymoon will give in to the big day for the sake of his or her new spouse and family, but will then get to choose the honeymoon destination with the aspiration to keep it low key. Or maybe the reverse could work for you, the one who hopes for a grand occasion will be willing to tone it down but then might opt for an extravagant honeymoon.

Do your best to stay focused on what you want as a couple without giving up what is most important to you as an individual. Be sensitive to your partner’s needs, and try to find middle ground that will work for both of you, that way each of you can be invested in their wedding.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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The Uncertain Path from Getting Engaged to Getting Married

The Uncertain Path from Getting Engaged to Getting Married

Wedding Engagements

Sometimes it isn’t such a clear path from getting engaged to getting married! For some people, undertaking such a big change and lifelong responsibility can cause people to question their choices and judgment, basically asking, did I make the right decision?

That concern and insecurity can trigger their fears and hamper their ability to moving forward. As one partner might be looking to be more involved and connected than ever, the other partner might actually be pulling away and become less available, spending more time elsewhere and possibly even dabbling in activities that can cause jealousy and trust issues. These actions can often be more of a statement of the trepidation that becoming engaged conjures up, rather than a reflection of their true feelings for their partner.

If this happens to you, whether you are on the side of needing more space or the side of wondering what is going on with your fiancé, the most important thing to do is have a conversation with each other to explore the feelings that were triggered by this huge, Uncertain event.

Leave room to talk about misgivings and insecurities, even if that is difficult, so that at least you have an opportunity to express your concerns with the hope that they don’t weigh you down and pull you apart permanently. It might also be helpful to seek counseling to address whatever might be getting in the way of your future happiness. Talking to someone about this can help you determine if you jumped into the engagement prematurely, and the best thing to do would be to postpone the wedding or even walk away, or if it is just a temporary setback that can be fixed.

This is a way to work through the tough time and have a better understanding of each other, know you are able to share your fears and conflicts, and perhaps move toward a happy ending.

 

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

Dr Jane Greer on Beyonce & Making Marriage Work

Beyonce

During the premiere of her new visual album Lemonade this past weekend, Beyoncé shared very personal moments between her and her husband, Jay Z. The couple have had their share of marital rough patches. The challenge of a successful marriage is making it work with all of the elements of difficulty that arise, whether that be finances, children, in-laws, infidelity, or whatever else might bring a bump in the road to a relationship. Beyonce is addressing this important aspect of how much work goes into a marriage in this new album, and she is carrying on with the effort to make her bond with Jay Z better and stronger than ever.

Beyonce and Jay Z share a celebrated personal and professional life, but you don’t have to build an empire with your partner to make it worthwhile to preserve what you have together. Even so, this idea of having to work and put effort into a marriage or relationship is often frowned upon, and gets a bad reputation because it takes on this connotation of being a burden, a chore, or a responsibility. It’s as though people think if it isn’t easy, then it’s better to just call it quits and get out. When Ben Affleck so famously said that marriage takes work, it was like he said something awful, not something positive.

This reminds me of a couple that came to see me a few years back. Things were difficult between them, and the husband didn’t really want to be there. He asked, “Why should I have to work at it? If it’s so much work then we must be in a really bad state, so why not just end it?” I said, “Okay, you can make that choice, but keep in mind then you are going to have to put the work into dismantling your marriage.” I went on to highlight all the effort that would take – dealing with the divorce, splitting up their assets, finding a new place to live, starting to date again. Then, if he was lucky enough to find someone he liked and wanted to spend time with, he would have to hope that he got it exactly right that time so he wouldn’t find himself having to work on that relationship one day. He looked at me and said, “Okay, let’s work on the marriage.” He could finally see that there was no guaranteed easy route, and as I pointed out, nobody gets a pass, so it was worth it to him to try to take his marriage to a higher ground.

So how do you begin to work on your marriage or relationship? The most important word I can offer you is communication. So often there are misunderstandings and one person can become defensive or take something personally which is not meant to be that way at all. Without talking about it, on both ends, people can begin to feel disappointed and alone. I have one patient who was dating a woman he really liked. Their first few dates were great, but on the fourth date he avoided kissing her goodnight and anything else that would go along with that. She was clearly upset, and withdrew and didn’t take his calls for several days. He was clueless about why this was happening, and didn’t understand what had prompted her cold shoulder. He started to think he had been wrong about her, who needed to date a woman who changed her mind so suddenly? So I encouraged him to talk to her, rather than just respond to what seemed like a negative situation. I told him that since he saw this as a promising relationship, he might as well ask her what was going on. When he did she told him the truth, that she felt bad and unattractive when he didn’t kiss her the other night. It all then became clear to him, the truth was he had eaten a whole clove of raw garlic at dinner, he didn’t realize it until it was too late, and he was self-conscious about his breath. She had no idea about the garlic, so she thought he was rejecting her. Once he told her why he hadn’t kissed her, she completely understood and even laughed about it. What they went through is a prime example of a couple doing the work. Without their being open with each other, their relationship could have skidded off the track. Instead, I am happy to report they are very much in love and planning to move in together.

It is so basic really, but so important. The crux of any relationship is being able to speak to your needs and real feelings in a way that doesn’t carry blame. The hope is that you will each understand what the other person is experiencing. Once you are able to do that, you can put your heads together to find common ground and compromise, eventually realizing that the whole of your connection rises above each of your individual needs. Working on it means being willing to challenge yourself, to push yourself past your comfort zone, to be willing to be open. Sometimes trying something new and different, which is not always easy. It means not reacting to the other person, but checking things out with them first. It means being willing to struggle with uncertainty and tolerate the frustration that goes along with waiting for changes to happen, and not knowing if they will. It is about balancing your hope for the future against your disappointments of the past, so you can continue to persevere together.

In the end it is that world and life you have built together that will fuel the effort it takes to do the work that makes it work. The art of problem-solving with your partner takes creativity and brainstorming, and makes you closer because you each feel cared about and supported, which is worth its weight in gold. It can be as valuable as anything else Beyonce and Jay Z create together.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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What Makes a Marriage a Strong One

What Makes a Marriage a Strong One?

Holding Hands

Many things go into keeping two people together for the long haul, but there are four core ingredients that stand out as important in keeping that union humming. The first is appreciation, I can’t stress its power enough. Being grateful and recognizing the things your partner does for you and the TLC they give you can go a long way. Without realizing it, you can get used to all that, as it becomes part of your average day you might stop noticing it and even take it for granted. You want to start taking the opportunity to show your spouse that the things they do for you mean a lot. It’s a real chance to build and strengthen those fibers that go into constructing the fabric of your connection. Oftentimes I hear one partner express how angry they are about the things the other doesn’t do. However, when I help them change their expectations, to see who their partner really is instead of who they want them to be, it allows them to stop seeing their spouse coming up short and instead to see them as tall, looking up to them for the support they do show. this enables them to feel lucky that their partner is there for them by focusing on what they do rather than what they don’t do, It makes all the difference.

Another important ingredient is consideration. It isn’t that you always have to agree with your partner, or do just what they say, but to let them know that they are important to you and are being considered when you’re deciding to do something. If you’re planning to go out with your friends on Friday night, check in and make sure it works for your spouse instead of just telling them. That way they will feel considered and probably tell you to have a good time. If you simply announce what you are doing they are likely to feel abandoned and might become angry. The goal is to avoid resentment building because it then turns into bricks that will make you feel divided, keeping you apart rather than feeling you are on the same team. By considering each others needs and knowing you are each part of the equation when it comes to making plans and choices, you at least leave room for both of you to voice your preferences before making the final decision.

The third key factor in a successful marriage is being able to acknowledge the other person. I can’t tell you how often I hear one person complain that when they talk to their partner at home the other person doesn’t answer them, doesn’t look up from their computer, doesn’t look at them directly, so basically they feel ignored. Consequently the first person winds up either repeating themselves because they haven’t felt heard, or asking in an annoyed tone, “did you hear me?” It’s really important to pay attention and convey to your partner that you are listening when they talk to you. A simply okay, fine, I get it, I hear you, that works, any verbal acknowledgement as well as looking at them goes a long way. Even if you disagree with what they are saying you can reply, “well, I don’t necessarily agree, but I do hear what you’re saying, and we can talk about it another time.” This will prevent one person from feeling ignored and neglected, and the other from feeling nagged and badgered by their partner saying the same thing over and over.

Finally, laughter. It seems so obvious and simple but it has such tremendous healing power. It takes effort to keep up with all the communication, appreciation and everything else in your daily lives, all that work needs an antidote, which is laughing together because it creates instant intimacy. Developing a Morse code with a shared joke or funny expression is a default button that can diffuse the heat of any argument and give you a chance to let it go and clear the resentment rather than letting it turn into a big deal. When you’re married you learn you have to pick and choose your battles, otherwise there are so many things to go to the mat over and you need a tool that says this is not that important, let’s laugh it off. You can then revisit the more important issues later to address them in a serious manner.

If you are able to keep these four very potent techniques in mind and you begin to use them regularly, you’re likely to find that you and your partner start to feel happier with each other.

The key to a positive marriage is to feel that your spouse has your back and is looking out for you, that they know that you always have theirs as well.

Relationship Advice from Dr Jane Greer

Dr Jane Greer
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